WTF Friday, 7/6/2012

Lord Black, fresh from federal prison, has an important Fourth of July message for us all. It’s “shoulda stayed a colony, bitchez!”

Apparently, being colonized is awesome and full of win:

If the Americans had maintained their British status, they would control Britain and Canada and Australia and New Zealand now (another 120 million people and over $5 trillion of GDP), have all their energy needs met, and enjoy better government than they have actually endured for the past 20 years. It would have been much easier to abolish slavery and, if there had been a Civil War, it would not have lasted long, nor cost a fraction of the 750,000 American lives that it did. There would have been no World Wars or Cold War, or at least no conflict remotely as perilous as those were.

I could be wrong, but I am pretty sure that America controlling Britain by remaining its colony is the opposite of how colonization works.

The rest of the world should also, in Black’s view, be lining up for re-colonization. The French were “splendid city planners” with a “civilizing mission.” The British empire was really an educational enterprise, bringing a “justice system and the English language, and some spirit of market economics” to the eager natives before leaving with “scarcely any violence.” And there were “no Darfurs” in British-ruled Sudan.  (I would venture a guess that there was in fact precisely one Darfur, given that it is a geographical region, not an atrocity.)

According to Black, the Belgians were “frequently inexcusably heavy-handed” in the Congo (and they left the Congolese a little light-handed, amirite?), but “never generated the horrific casualties that have routinely occurred in the civil strife in that country in 50 years of independence, much less the approximately 1 million dead in a single month in the Rwandan massacres of the Tutsi in 1994.” (This is codswollop.)

The Dutch were “no joy in Indonesia,” but “at least the natives did not run amok.”  (A direct quote, I swear.)

Gosh, now that Lord Black mentions it, I do feel a bit of savagery coming on.  This must be the tragic yet predictable result of my premature decolonization.  If the British had never left, I’m sure I could absorb the misinformed blatherings of a felonious bore without any further incident.

Amanda Taub

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