Tonight at 10 pm on PBS there will be an Important. Cinematic. Event.
No, it’s not Bert and Ernie finally telling the world about the true nature of their devoted friendship. It is….THE RECKONING.
That’s right, y’all. It’s time to reckon some shit. Or, uh, to learn about the International Criminal Court.
And to help you, we’ve whipped up a drinking game to go with the movie. To play, you will need the following: one (1) ocelot, (caged and provoked into furious ire); three (3) bottles Jägermeister; two (2) cans of Bud Light; one (1) carafe of mead made from sweetest honey; one (1) bottle ouzo; one (1) handle of vodka; one (1) bottle of bourbon; one (1) vial of Holy Water, size large; one (1) rapetini; and one (1) jug of orange juice.
The rules are simple. Watch for the following cues, and when they occur, consume the specified beverage in the quantity indicated:
- Sound of grass ominously crunching underfoot – 1 swallow vodka.
- Close-up on African appendage, severed or otherwise – 1 swallow ouzo.
- Appearance of halfway transparent words typed across scenes of devastation – Climb into cage with ocelot; remain there for 15 seconds.
- MapQuest Effect (you’ll know it when you see it) – 1 swallow bourbon.
- Close-up of Chief Prosecutor Moreno-Ocampo gazing off screen as if he…just…cares…too…much – 1 full shot Jagermeister, official drink of dudes you probably don’t want to be alone in a room with.
- Demonstration of HRW’s Richard Dicker’s uncanny ability to speak in perfect soundbites – 1 generous quaff mead. Go on, quaff it!
- Appearance of notorious UN-hater John Bolton’s power-stache – Shotgun a Bud Lite.
- Reference to “judicial carpentry” – Mix and drink a screwdriver.
- Appearance of the dearly departed Vincent Otti, former lieutenant to Joseph Kony – 1 shot of Holy Water.
- Discussion of prosecutors “giving a voice to rape victims” – Bite your own tongue (hard enough to bleed; don’t be a wuss), then drink a rapetini.
- Footage of Moreno-Ocampo directing attention away from evidentiary concerns with the equivalent of “Look over there! It’s a genocide blimp!” – 1 swallow Jagermeister
- Appearance of archival footage of dudes being brutally slaughtered that makes you wonder “Dear god, who filmed this?” – 1 slug of bourbon directly from bottle.
And finally, if you’re not hospitalized with alcohol poisoning yet, pick one (1) of the following: goat, chicken, or donkey. Every time your chosen creature appears on screen, drink a glass of red wine.
Let us know what you think in the comments section. Best film review gets a full box of Lucky Charms. (But be warned you’ll be competing against Amanda’s husband, who initially found it “quite balanced, in that it wasn’t only good stuff about the court,” but revised that assessment upon discovering that it was not actually an OTP recruitment video.)
* For those slightly less nerdsome than we are, “OTP” is the ICC’s Office of the Prosecutor.