Iranian Speechwriting: Making Magic Real

Uhh, Mahmoud? I know that you must be very excited about your newfound “World’s Favorite Bonkers Bearded Agent O’Evil” status now that Castro has resigned.

But we still have standards. And when you referred to Israel as a “filthy bacteria,” it just wasn’t good enough. First of all: the proper singular form is “filthy bacterium.

And come on, really? Bacteria? What is this, National Awkward Cliche week? I can only assume that your speechwriting process goes something like this:

“Speechwriter 1: I’m really struggling with this next line. Israel is a …. It’s on the tip of my tongue, but it’s just not coming to me. Jerkface? Bepimpled smutmonster?

Speechwriter 2: We used bepimpled smutmonster last week. C’mon, be creative.

Speechwriter 1: Zionist pigdog?

Speechwriter 2: Used. It.

Speechwriter 1: Got it! “Israel is cooties!”

Speechwriter 2: OMG love it. But don’t you think it needs a little extra something? He IS a professor, you know. Lets make it sciencey. Crowds love science!

Speechwriter 1: I’m thinking….bubbling beakers, Our Great Leader in a spotless white coat, maybe a Periodic Table of Zionist Atrocity. Lets call Bill Nye’s people, see if he’s available. I can see the headlines now: Mahmoud Ahmedinejad, savior of the Middle East, says that “Israel is an AMALGAM”

Speechwriter 2: You want to accuse Israel of being an alloy of metals?

Speechwriter 1: “Israel is a PRECIPITATE”

Speechwriter 2: it is a silty solid that forms spontaneously during a chemical reaction and separates out from the other materials? WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT PUTTING REALITY IN THE SPEECHES?

Speechwriter 1: Sorry. OMG Sorry! Please do not cut my ears off! Israel is…uh……a bad case of rheumatoid arthritis! a lipoma!

Speechwriter 2: Don’t worry. Ears are largely decorative.

Speechwriter 1: Got it! Israel is a bacteria!

Speechwriter 2: Hmm. “Israel is a bacteria.” Could work….call props to find out if the “Listerine of Allah” costume is available. Lets make this happen.”

Look, Mahmoud, just a suggestion: maybe if you laid off the ear-chopping, you’d get better material.

I’m just saying.

Amanda Taub

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